Worst Practices:

Here’s Where the Ad Tanks

1. The headline: “Shoes on Steroids?”

In a pinch, I could actually live with the concept behind the headline, if not the actual wording. Stating that something is on steroids is a common and popular way of implying that the object is powerful, strong, and unbeatable. So I really have no problem with its usage.

But why make it a question? It could be that the copywriter was trying to engage the reader—to force “reader involvement.” But by not setting up the question with a thought-provoking or emotionally compelling pre-head or sub-head, it’s ineffective. In other words, as is, the headline needs explaining and a context. Using an exclamation mark, on the other hand, would’ve made it a declarative headline, and hence more powerful.

2. The Imagery: Sticking a syringe full of steroids into a shoe…

Gimme a break! My first reaction upon seeing a needle inserted into the tongue of the shoe (and, by association, into the fleshy, vulnerable top of my foot), was to wince and groan, much as if I had swallowed a warm, rotten oyster.

And to think that (athletic or not) people of any age would be impressed, persuaded, and compelled to buy a pair of shoes that are depicted as steroid junkies… is, in my opinion, a drug-induced delusion (more on that later).

Apparently, no one who vetted this promotion understands the importance of market research, much less the effect that words and images can have on their intended market. And I won’t even begin to speculate on what possessed them to use a sperm cell as a shoe logo! OK, let’s not belabor these graphic missteps any further—there’s far more to critique here, and learn from.

3. Weird Features and Weirder Benefits

Surrounding the shoe are snippets of copy that point to and highlight the shoe’s features and supposed benefits. Some of this copy works, some of it doesn’t, and some of it is absolutely inane.

For example:

• “Slick Seed of Life Logo” (referring to the sperm shape)—“because it’s cool.” Now that really makes me wonder whether the marketing director is, in reality, a smirking high school prankster who enjoys Biology 101 for all the wrong (and typically adolescent) reasons.
• “Steroid Syringe? Now that we have your attention. Try Gravity Defyer FREE for 30 Days.” Apparently, bait and switch carries no weight with this high schooler.
• “Scientifically Engineered to Defy Pain, Defy Aging and Defy Gravity.” In fairness, many marketers make similarly unbelievable claims of equally stupendous magnitude. A gullible and sleepy public may let this sub-head slip (though why the FTC would is another question). But who in their right mind would ever believe these shoes can actually defy gravity? I mean, come on!

By the way, if you ever make an astounding, utterly remarkable, and earth-shattering statement—emphasize it with an exclamation point. That’s what they’re for. Yet, the totally bewildered folks at Gravity Defyer employ a period instead, which in an ad is never used in a headline, subhead, or bullet point… because a period is akin to a stop sign. And you don’t want to stop the reader from reading.

The Bright Side

Remarkably, the marketers do understand the power of a story. The ad’s body copy is a story told in the first person singular, about how a person benefited from wearing the Gravity Defyer. The writer even names two doctors who recommended these miracle shoes.

All in all, a sophisticated, credibility-building approach.

But it’s all ruined when in a subhead the person proclaims: “Excitement swept through my body like a drug.” Why these marketers think their readers worship at the altar of illicit drugs defies all understanding.

Worse still, the person telling the story is never identified. Therefore, as an unattributed (and supposed) case study, it lacks credibility. The jaded, untrusting, and wary reader (aren’t they all?) will quickly discount the entire narrative as pure fiction—as undoubtedly it is.

Note: Always place a name—even better, a face—on stories and testimonials.

The Final Sin

There’s no guarantee, and no wonder, since these shoes can defy gravity. Well, actually, there’s an implied guarantee—but it isn’t clearly defined. Instead, there is a blue ribbon award graphic touting a “risk free 30 day trial,” which is also repeated in other places, but its terms are not stated. An explicit and powerful guarantee is non-negotiable. Every promotion must have one.

And finally…

A Word of Praise for the Designer

The designer of the ad did an excellent job. The ad is easy to read (though the type size is too small in places), easy to follow, and easy to absorb. And the use of a percentage chart is a nice touch, as is the demonstrative spring-loaded leg cutaway.

Clearly, the design is not the work of a beginner looking to build a book of samples. I can only wonder, therefore, what possessed the designer to accept the assignment. I would imagine that the ad, as a whole, is not exactly something he or she would want to include in a portfolio.

Two of my childhood heroes are featured in a Rent-a-Center commercial so I guess I have to go rent a TV now for $40 per WEEK, not month, WEEK.  Do the math, that translates to $160-$200 per month or $1080 for 6 months.  If you are reading my blog and still considering renting a TV, please seek a financial adviser immediately.  Please.  This is not a joke.

You’ve probably heard about the mysterious dead birds falling from the sky in Arkansas.  While wildlife experts worked to unravel the mystery surrounding the deaths of 3,000 red-winged blackbirds on 12/31/10, reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church immediately accused Arkansas of harboring a covert population of homosexuals, thereby incurring the wrath of God.  I am not making this up.

It wasn’t until Monday morning, 1/3/11, when an unnamed movie studio in California admitted that the scare was part of a promotional campaign for the 2013 remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”  A studio executive, on condition of anonymity, told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript, “The stunt was a gross miscalculation. We were trying to help get audiences interested in the remake with a small scare. Unfortunately, the planes dropped the birds over Arkansas instead of Northern California where our marketing crews were waiting to hand out movie posters and swag bags.”  Ummm…slight error in geography.  As if embarrassment wasn’t bad enough, the governor’s office in Arkansas is promising legal action against the studio for the mishap.

As Kiran Aditham from MediaBistro puts it, “[this] further makes the case that Hollywood should end this remake plague and come up with some new ideas already.”  Me?  I can’t wait for PETA’s response to the story.

Notice any themes?

Billboard Appearance Count:

Religion (Jesus): 6

McDonalds: 3

Strip Clubs: 2

Politics: 1

Giant Carrot: 1

Wow. Just wow. There are some dim bulbs coordinating the marketing approach at Kmart and Draftfcb.  On October 7th, Kmart changed it’s slogan to “There’s smart and there’s Kmart smart.”   Considering Kmart recently filed for bankruptcy in 2002, there is nothing intelligent about Kmart’s approach to business.  “There’s ___ and then there’s ___” is the laziest form of copywriting around the block – shame on you Draftfcb.  When you hear one of these slogans, an alarm should go off.  Oh and Kmart, if you’re going to pay an agency millions of dollars, you might want to get your moneys worth.

Hands up if you have ever associated Kmart with the word smart.  Anyone?  Also, do any Kmart shoppers care?  No way José

Hulk Hogan is the new voice of 1-800-LOANMART while he wrestles with his own financial problems.  Does anyone else find this puzzling?  As much as I love Hulk Hogan, if you are taking financial advice from a pro-wrestler*…YIKES.    Good luck, BROTHER!

*Exhibit B: Ric Flair

Safety First!

For only $99.95 you can soon be on your way to seeing clearly! The kit comes fully supplied with a mild-sedative and a protective post-op sleep mask.  “Shit I am blind now” walking stick sold separately.

You’re not going to convince me to go to  a “school” that promotes a witch at 0:13.

This right here is the reason that approximately 8 out of 10 banner ads get ignored.

If only all it took was guessing celebrity lips to get a “free” laptop – you have a 1 in 3 chance!

*details apply. . .  Such as?  Has anyone ever clicked on this ad to know which details apply?  Sadly, the answer is yes, and I found that person to explain what happened next…

“Top Spot Brands tells you that they will send you a free laptop.. but like any good scam there is a catch. The laptop is NOT FREE. You either have to buy 2 things and fill out a survey that they then sell and you get 42 phone calls at dinner time, or you sign the agreement below… notice that you are agreeing to purchase $20.00 per month of something though I could not figure out what I was going to get for the $20.00.  This company or some version of it has wasted millions of hours of peoples time. NO ONE REALLY is going to give you a computer.”